ketinggalan

ummm..
i do feel like i can't keep up with today's world.
people now wear shawls etc
i'm still with tudung silang hahaha
no that's just the little unimportant stuff
hmmmm

i feel like i..can't keep up even if i want to
it's like if i try to keep up, it's gonna drain my strength.
all i wanna do is curl up into a ball.
do nothing.meet nobody.
i don't want to listen to anybody' updates
or care about anything.

i'm confused of who i should be.
i no longer find comfort or peace in whatever i loved to do.
i feel like things aren't the way they used to be,
i hate these changes that are happening around me.
it feels uncomfortable. it's not safe.

i read about something called dissociative fugue state.
it was interesting.
and i also read about different opinions on rulings on suicide due to psychological problems.
and that was interesting too.
well if you're aware that you're crazy, that means you're not.

RANT

I don't know if this is just temporary or not.
But i don't like it.
I feel so restless.
I'm not gonna lie but I've been thinking of leaving everything for a while and go somewhere else.
But hey,you can't run away from your problems forever right?
I hate myself.
No, I love myself but I hate seeing how much I've changed.
It feels like I'm  just another burden to everyone.
I'm not as clever as everyone else. I don't have many friends. Most people can't stay with me longer than a year. So yeah, I'm the loner that hurts everyone.
I'm not as rich as everyone else. I don't do makeup,I'm not fashionable. I'm fat and not skinny like those damn twigs.
Honestly,if I didn't get this scholarship..I'd have no money to further my study.
I don't really wanna study.
I just wanted a chance to leave my family.
I saw a video on FB of a woman who caught her husband cheating.
The next thing I know,I was crying like hell.
I remembered things that I thought I'd never think of em ever again.
I said to my mom that I love her and I'm sorry she had to go thru all of that.
Then I realised that I still can't forgive my dad for what he did.
He betrayed our trust. How the hell can i forgive him?
And i still have to call him 'abah'. That sucks. I even wanted to erase his name off my IC.
And I hate it when everyone talks about their dads. Shut up!
I'm barely able to hold myself from losing it. I can cry anytime.
I'm so scared to call anyone my bestfriend. I don't want to be left again.
I can't imagine getting married and being cheated on by my husband. If he cheats, I'll kill him. (Kidding..maybe I'll just beat him to a pulp)
This post is so random.

Bitch please.
Stop hurting me.
I'm afraid I'm gonna break and that's not something you wanna see.
It's not gonna be nice.
Believe me,I know I'm sick. But yes,I've been trying to hold it in.
I built walls so high that no one's been brave and persistent enough to climb them.
I just wanted to protect myself from the pain and the mistakes that I did.
Bitch please.
Don't hurt me.
I'm scared.For you and for me.
If I break,I won't be able to control myself.
I wanna hurt you so bad for hurting me like this. Hurt you so bad until you can't wake up anymore.
I want you to feel my pain.
Why can't you understand that I hate what you're doing?
I wanna hurt you but they say that I have to keep being nice.
WHY ? WHY ? FUCK YOU !
FUCK THIS FRIENDSHIP SHIT!
I'm afraid I'm losing it.
So many people walking out of my life.
So many hurt because of me.
I'm trapped.Please,I don't wanna live anymore.
I can't go through this pain again.
I don't deserve to have friends. I'm just someone who would hurt them.
WHY CAN'T I BE A BAD PERSON? WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP BEING NICE?
I WANNA HURT THEM SO BAD!

Don’t Look At Me Like That(쳐다보지마)

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believe me when i say that i never wanted to be like this.
i know it's a sin and i'm trying to change.

these words do relate to me except that i'm still single.
hahahahahahahhaha.